SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
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Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.