me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
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[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
listen closely
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
*pokes sex life with a stick
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
relationship goals
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.