“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
You Might Also Like
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”