Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
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Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…