Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
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This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
superman landing like a plane on his belly
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Mad Max: Furry Road
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹