Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
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I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Don’t make me out nice you.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.