“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
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Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
#JohnTravolta
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over