If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
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If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’