what?
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I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it