Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
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Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”