I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
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Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house