Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
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Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Jogging has never helped my memory.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Breaking news:
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.