My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
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Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Camping tip: No.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Namaste
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.