I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
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I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.