i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
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2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL