Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
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If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Potatoes were such a good idea
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot