Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
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[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Morning.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?