My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
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They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.