HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
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I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
the way this pissed me off… 😭
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.