Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
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My favorite farside!!
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”