“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
You Might Also Like
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
I can fix him.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful