boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
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Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”