Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
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Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Living the best life.. 😊
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”