Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
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Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Guy who likes music
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys