When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
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Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.