I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
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When I laugh on my period
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?