The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
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Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Pigeon open mic night.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
What a year we’ve had this week.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?