*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
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The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar