[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
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Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.