Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
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I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Legend 🤣🤣
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*