Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
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*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Battery falling down a hole
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA