me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
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ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.