this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
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Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.