“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
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Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
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I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War