Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
What if the weather talks about us?
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
why am I working on Labor Day