hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
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Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.