My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
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me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Many hands make light work
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam