#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
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[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
*aggressively waits in line*
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go