*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
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Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.