ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
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Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Life hack
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
what?
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.