”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
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*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
When the stylist spins you back around
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”