Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
You Might Also Like
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Grow up never but we old may grow we