It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
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Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
I’m not proud
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore