Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
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[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
the noise i just made
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.