[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
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I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.