date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
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Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.