One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
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Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
me logging onto twitter
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
There’s never enough good news
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Wikigenius
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.