WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
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If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
This checks out
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
the simulation is moving too fast
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.