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“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
hackers play passwordle
i really liked this one
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.