I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
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So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
where the womens at?
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Every work call, he judges.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
I cannot stop laughing at this
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Spring of Deception
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.